My Journey with a monkey on my back

I have been a member here for almost 2 years, it does not seem like that long. I don't remember the exact date , I suspect chemo brain has effected my memory more than anything else . I read all the posts I have written from the beginning, my what a journey its been, the emotional highs and lows seem to track the physical effects of this illness, not surprising. Life With Multiple Myeloma has saved my life, this place has allowed me to manage the emotional side of being ill without effecting my family. I have tried very hard to keep that monkey on my back and not allow him to jump on my wife or son because once he sinks his teeth into your heart he causes a sadness to take over and left their it can ruin your life and you will never enjoy living. I have spent most of my adult life being conditioned to learn how to keep him at bay. I would encourage all who have a challenging condition whether it be a patient as I or a care giver to learn to vent and post on your page, use it as a place to track your physical conditions, the highs and lows , the emotional challenges, any thing you need to talk about without effecting the ones you care about. I feel that life with beat them up enough without my help , so I keep that monkey close to me. There is an old saying, keep your friends close and your enemies closer, well my monkey's real name is multiple myeloma and I want to have him on a leash. I know I will never get rid of him but I do want to keep him in sight as I need to know if he is being bad. I have responded well to all the chemo's and have been through my first stem cell transplant, seems like it is under control for now but I know it will be back, most likely sooner than I wish. My experiences with cancer began in 1993 when both of my parents died in January from its effects, lung cancer and cervical caner took them both from me, it was unbearable they passed within two weeks , just tore my family apart. My older brother and I didn't speak much for many years, we are now the best of friends and see one another and work together on a regular basis. my dad and mom would be so proud and happy about this. What a blessing that monkey has been, to heal a wound inflicted so many years ago and to heal it so completely without any scare tissue. I had Hodgkin Lymphoma around 1996 and survived , but I think it was to soon to heal those wounds. This time it has been complete, however this is quite a price to pay. Multiple myeloma has certainly changed my life, I have learned to treasure each day and take nothing for granted. The side effects of the medications and the uncertainness about my future is at times unbearable, that is when I come hear to hide, to let the reality of what I face and must walk through sink in. This place has been the one shelter I can come to when sleep and peace elude me, unfortunately the one side effect I get the most is the lack of sleep, I have several sleeping medications that do work, however the next day I feel tired and just can't get with the program, most times needing a nap in the afternoon. I feel better if I just don't sleep until I am tired, keeps my mind from the wondering about what the future will bring. I think we all need to appreciate the good days so we can weather the bad ones so I come here to clear my mind and keep my sanity through all of this. So far it has worked, I know the illness and understand what it can and does do, this helps me understand what the doctors say and gives me enough education to help them know what is going on with me, all of this is due to being on Life With Multiple Myeloma and using it as a source of vital information. I know there is so much research going on that the future will get brighter and they will soon break though the thresh hold to understanding and stopping this illness. I found the Myeloma Beacon through being on here, it is a cite where you can track all the research, some times this is good and some times not, however I want to know because I can plan for the future if I know. When illness strike us we as patients become overwhelmed with all kinds of issue's some physical and some emotional. The physical ones we learn to deal with, the emotional ones are harder because they can take away the good days to. I would strongly encourage all who must fight this to find your comfort zone/ hiding place and vent , write about what is happening to you. Once you start to do this you can look back and when you read about what you have been through somehow it makes what you must go through just a little easier to bear. I don't know why but somehow this helps to put things into a different perspective sooths some of the emotional issue's. I truly hope just one patient out there can find just a little help in what I have written, and maybe find a way to see the light of the good days. Thank You for reading this , I wish there was more to say, but it is 2;30 am and I am at loss for words. Maybe the help I needed tonight has arrived and it is time for bed.

God Bless

Rodney, your friend and fellow patient

Beautifully written Rodney, I love your words and feel truth and comfort in them :>)

Rodney, you are amazing. Beautiful post. I'm proud to call you a friend.

Rodney so well put and so true in what you say. I’m angry because I relapsed but reading a lot of other post I know things will be okay again. Right now I need my anger and this special place so I also won’t take it out on the people I love and care for the most and also won’t feel sorry for myself cause I know someone might need a kind word or even a smile. Thank You Rodney for helping me remember this. God Bless